Letting Go

This is about embracing the change of a loved one as they embark into a new journey.

While we all try to bring our families closer we rarely talk about the transition or letting go nearly as much.  Boomers are living this transition phase caring for their aging parents and/or preparing for the launch of their university bound child.  Is their similarity in both?

 One friend is currently faced with moving his Dad from home into a facility and another has a Mom living with Alzheimer’s. The relationship sometimes can be difficult for both as we reach for words to comfort a parent who might be losing their independence, needing help with personal care and many who are losing the ability to communicate with the disease of Alzheimer’s.  It feels a little like having to let go of the norm to enter the unknown. Personally not faced with such challenges with my own parents yet I am however in a similar transition phase with my own daughter as she prepares for a journey to university across the country. I too am learning to let go of what was the norm and to recognize that the special foundation we create as families will keep us strong.  It is likely our relationship and how we communicate that will change.

Let’s stay connected to our loved ones in a meaningful way so that they don’t feel alone. We can learn to modify our relationships to meet this change. With a parent that has Alzheimer’s we might need to accept that their memory is failing and learn new ways to communicate with touch.  With a child going off to university, we might need to learn how to Skype!

The Launching Years (L. Kastner and J. Wyatt) is a resource book about the strategies for parenting in the university years and www.alzheimerbc.org  provides tools to help support a loved one with Alzheimer’s.

Let’s reach out to others in our community to share these real stories so together we might feel more confident and better prepared to embrace this new phase.  Let’s further develop these relationships and to keep the family close. For me, I know it won’t be easy  (and yes, it’s ok to cry) but I am confident that if I continue to make decisions from the heart that we will all enjoy this phase of letting go of what was and embrace the new with open arms.  I also encourage my friends with aging parents to do the same.

Originally published BC Black Press August 2011

My Childhood Memories/ Summer Traditions

One of my fondest childhood memories was going to our cottage in Ontario for the entire summer as soon as school was out.  My parents would pack us all up into the station wagon with our summer belongings and my Dad would drop us off with Mom, only to return on weekends. I fondly remember my family playing a card game that might best be described as competitive group solitaire at the old kitchen table until late into the night and well past our bedtime. I think it was most special because both my Mom and Dad would play with us which brought much laughter.  As a family of 6 along with the odd cousin, those solitaire games were pretty lively and loud! I can still remember clutching my hand of cards while kneeling on the hard kitchen chair watching the Aces appear in the centre of the table.  I couldn’t really reach but that didn’t stop me from playing with the grownups.

 Rituals and family traditions at any age can be special and something that the entire family can hold onto, including grandparents.  Similar experiences can occur with special friends or relatives in your community.  Having that special bond with a group doing something you look forward to is all part of healthy living and socialization, which is also an important aspect of aging.  Sometimes just having something to hold onto and look forward to when we are faced with challenges along the way can make a difference. 

Maintaining these rituals is as important as the experience itself.  In our family, I feel that these intergenerational traditions like playing cards helped to encourage bonding with my own parents which we both benefit from today. Perhaps if we all tried to create and maintain more simple traditions with our extended family such as sharing dinners or afternoon tea,  that this might help bridge the gap between the generations and help maintain strength in families. Why not pick up the phone and reach out to a friend or a family member and start a new tradition because after all, it is never too late. 

Oh and playing card games like group solitaire with our own kids is priceless, especially when their grandparents or friends can join in.  This year as we head off on our annual summer retreat, one of our family rituals, the kids will pack their cards.

Denise Kelly is a North Vancouver Boomer proudly living with her two children, husband and dog Mel.  She looks forward to sharing stories to motivate others.  Follow her on twitter at TheBoomerVine or she can be reached at denise.play@gmail.com

Originally Published BC Black Press Aug 2011

 

today

today i rode my new bike through Stanley Park, granted the weather a tad grey but peaceful just the same



what amazed me was the activity so early both on and off the water



observed a photo shoot, fisherman, remnants of a beach fire, joggers, and 



lovers

Tranquility shows up for me here.

The lapping of the water and the calmness without voices only birds.

Appreciation of the simple things in life, the things that matter.

A great day to be alive.  Can't wait for tomorrow :)

Denise A Kelly

My Blog - Boomer with Zip

Procrastination is a terribly enemy for me but I have finally pushed it to the side, stand strong and trust in the process as I move to take steps to jump from the pond into the ocean.


My first entry into my new blog called The Boomer Vine is a way for me to share and hopefully empower others as we jump the hump over 40 and take the journey beyond.  I prefer to share this road with others because I love being with people, meeting new people and figure we might just share a laugh along the way.  The Boomer Vine is my vision of a place you can come for information and support as you take this journey.
Open, Honest and Real. 

This will be the real me - a Boomer with Zip (and lots of it combined with a stream of consciousness that will come alive in these pages).


Look out this is going to be fun!


Denise A Kelly

Mom and Dad, We Need to Talk (originally published BC Black Press Sept, 2010)

Initiating conversations comes easily to some and not to others, but conversations with aging parents are typically the most difficult. While we as children may feel awkward and don’t know how to open up such conversations, I can only imagine how our parents might have similar awkward feelings of vulnerability having to ask for help.  Clarissa Green, teacher and family therapist with a similar passion for encouraging caring connections also believes that opening up with others and building relationships through conversation can reduce anxieties with aging parents during this new journey.

Evidently there does come a time when we need to take on more responsibility to support a parent whether we are ready or not. Issues typically arise around driving, finances, health or loss of independence.  Think about how you might raise questions around these issues and what type of response you might get.  The goal here is to get to know each other better so that you can work creatively and effectively together as a family.  If there are lingering issues, then addressing them now might alleviate certain family dynamics later.  As we prepare for these conversations, make sure your first considerations are of empathy and understanding with a goal to maintain one’s dignity and respect.

Don’t be afraid of turning to others for support as we all know others going through similar challenges.  Knowledge is vital. Free assessments are available for families who want to learn how to navigate the healthcare system. Let your parents teach you how it feels and what fears they have about aging. Remember that it takes emotional courage and skill to talk about hard things, but like a new habit, comfort will develop over time

Asking for help is never easy, and if we speak openly and honestly with our own parents and learn to set aside any issues then we can move through this new journey with compassion. Each of my siblings naturally play a different role depending upon their personality strengths, but together we work as a team to offer support the best we can. In return we hope that our parents too will open up and be honest with us around aging issues.  Take the time to show you care.

Denise Kelly is a North Vancouver Boomer proudly living with her two children, husband and dog Mel.  She looks forward to sharing stories to motivate others.  Follow Denise on Twitter at The Boomer Vine or she can be reached at denise.play@gmail.com.   

Article originally published BC Black Press September , 2010

Bridging the Generation Gap (originally published BC Black Press July, 2010)

I have lived in the same house for over 14 years and both Mel (our dog) and I have fostered a fondness for one neighbour in particular. 

 When we first moved into our home this special elderly neighbour could be found outside gardening for hours. She would cut the grass, rearrange her many perennials, and water them every night.  She carried her own garbage to the curb and we would smile at each other as I did the same.  I often wished we could progress beyond the smile as I wanted to get to know her better. She would walk her old husky but I never knew who was walking who.  Sadly her dog died several years later and she failed to venture outside as often.

As years went by and I increasingly focused on the task of being a working Mom, a wife and finding personal playtime, I always kept a watchful eye on the house across the street. One day we came home with our own dog who has served as the catalyst for many mutually rewarding friendships. Mel would routinely sit on her favourite perch, our bed, which had a street view, carefully monitoring our neighbour’s actions. Mel barked if she spotted her in the garden or if her front door opened.  If our front door opened Mel would escape as if on a mission and dart across the street to wait. If Mel couldn’t be found at home, we knew where to find her! I happily found myself standing on our neighbour’s driveway much more often, chatting about family, her health needs and the changing community. I found that I too looked forward to our visits and being there to support her as her independence became increasingly challenged.

Nowadays there is a gardener who cuts the grass and tends to the various yard chores but my neighbour still finds the energy to water her perennials.  Mel and I take her garbage out as her arthritis bothers her at times and I am waiting to see if she has been diagnosed with diabetes.  We are looking for a new doctor for her now as hers has retired.  She is a bit weaker, thinner and slower but she still always has that sparkle in her eye when Mel appears.  I know she has her own perch where she too watches for Mel because all too often when our door opens so does hers. 

I thank Mel for helping me to cultivate this friendship and for helping me to bridge this generation gap.

Denise Kelly is a North Vancouver Boomer proudly living with her two children, husband and dog Mel.  She looks forward to sharing stories to motivate others.  Follow Denise on Twitter at The Boomer Vine or she can be reached at denise.play@gmail.com.   

Article originally published BC Black Press July , 2010